I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
