My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
