I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
