I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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