Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
He kissed a someone with a penis
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
