if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
should my penis look like a turkey
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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