How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
