Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
