If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
