The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
should my penis look like a turkey
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Randomize
