I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
