So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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