Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
