I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
a search helicopter?!
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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