Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
