Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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