I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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