if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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