i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
