Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
