It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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