I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
