There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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