I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
