did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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