This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
