Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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