News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
