My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
