I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
