Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize
