dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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