I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You brought string cheese to the strip club
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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