I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
