I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
