Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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