You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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