My room smells like vodka and shame
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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