I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
