i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
