I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
