he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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