Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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