Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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