i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
time to smoke my breakfast
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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