i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I need to stop coming to work sober
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
