OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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