I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
