everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Randomize
