her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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